I feel pillaged and plundered like a pirate shanty.
But I cannot give up, I will not give up. Mosquitoes may attack, nights may pass, but there are only eleven days left, only four papers left.
1111
and then I'll wake up from the nightmare, and I'll live the dream.

But for now, I'll cuddle Mochi, and we'll sit in bed and learn everything I have to learn together.

I want to restart my dramatic life.
Perhaps not all over again, but I want to start with a new heart. I want to see what I can do, get every chance I get.
I want to spread my wings, wet and shriveled, I imagine, from this incubation period of about three months.
Three months. That's a long time.
It's enough for me to forget all I've ever done.
It's also enough for me to take a break. But why would I, I love drama, it's been here for me, and I've been here for it, for twelve years.
That roughly sums up to 12/16 = 3/4 = 0.75 = 75% of my life.
And I don't want it to stop.
Not in a long long long time.

"It's over," said Ms Leong, "Don't think about it."



Southeast Asian History was pure Perestroika in action. It left me hurting in a left-arm and left-brain cramp.
The formats were all different and strange.
It hurts at this point.

And my recurring thoughts of death...
What's even scarier is that my recurring thoughts of death are not of my death, but of the deaths of people close to me, people important to me, in very real ways.
I won't list them here, they make me feel even worse than I do in the wake of today's perestroika. They'd make the people I imagine feel worse than that, I think.

I need sleep.
As in not a stay-up late and sleep-in for afternoon papers, not a sleep-early-to-wake-up-early, and definitely not a stay-up late and wake-up early. (I had one of the latter today. Even after washing my face with cold water I fell asleep.)
I want to lie in bed and do absolutely nothing, or perhaps read a bit of manga along the way, maybe of Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu or Lucky Star or Azumanga Daioh. Then I want to go downstairs and watch whatever catches my fancy.

Modern World was thankfully easy.

Source-based was about Hitler just like Naomi said, but it was about..."family policies".

No Japan, but thank goodness Plan B worked.

I did Causes of WWII in Europe. 8D

Now to fear Southeast Asian History.

I hear Neodammerung playing in my head now.

Do you know Neodammerung? It's the one in the Matrix Revolutions where Smith meets Neo and he says "Mister Anderson, welcome back. We've missed you." and Neo says "It ends tonight.".

It has a convenient climatic-sounding choir in the background that has a vocal capacity that is higher than mine on a good day, and that makes me jealous.

But that's beside the point.

I hear Neodammerung playing in my head because I know that in less than four hours I'm going to go to the school hall and take History, which is pretty much my most random subject, and the final grade could be anything from a B3 to a D7.

And it's kinda scary, because I really really really want Japan and the War in Asia-Pacific to come out because that's really what I'm best at, and I'm not too good at everything else. ><

Wish me luck.

The days seem to move past me at blinding speed while I trudge by in slow motion.

It was especially scary today. I woke up, and minutes seemed to pass by in... a couple of seconds. I took my usual shower in the morning and ended up taking about half an hour.

All this speed seemed to come back, though, when I took my Maths and A Maths Paper 1s. I finished my papers. Nothing went wrong (aside from one conceptual error and a couple of sign errors in A Maths, and I'm not too sure for Maths because we don't get to bring the papers back).

I just hope I have enough speed for Paper 2 later for A Maths.

COMBINED SCIENCE (PAPER FIVE) - Screwed.

COMBINED SCIENCE (PAPER THREE) - Fairly easy. Might get an A.

ENGLISH (PAPER THREE) - I have no comment. If the invigilators didn't mind my talk about 
Jane Goodall and Gertrude B. Elion, I should ace this.

ENGLISH (PAPER ONE) - Up lorry. Probably. My Section One was disgusting compared to that narrative I wrote about Alphonse and Sebastian.

ENGLISH (PAPER TWO) - I liked this. I think, god forbid, this'll be better than Paper One. Prophetically, I saw a cat run past the hall after the papers were collected.

ADDITIONAL MATHEMATICS (PAPER ONE) - Shiny. Seven marks lost, two or three to conceptual errors, the rest were sign errors and other careless casualties.

COMBINED HUMANITIES (PAPER TWO) - Considering the only item on my agenda regarding this subject was to pass it, I think I shall get my wish. This isn't going in my L1R5 if I can help it.

ELEMENTARY MATHEMATICS (PAPER ONE) - We're not allowed to bring the questions home. But it went swimmingly.

projection tiem!

ADDITIONAL MATHEMATICS (PAPER TWO) - I've really got to watch for this one. They'll probably try to differentiate the A-students from the B-students with this paper, considering the chicken feet that they gave us for the first paper. And it's got Plane Geometry, which is positively my worstest topic ever.

HISTORY (PAPER ONE) - It's Japan. And if it isn't Japan, ... I'll just go to Plan B. I need to work on the Cold War.

HISTORY (PAPER TWO) - Nationalism. That will be all. *sigh*

ELEMENTARY MATHEMATICS (PAPER TWO) - This will probably be hard as well. Damn trends.

COMBINED SCIENCE (PAPER FOUR) - I cannot predict this. T^T halloween...

One week of silence.

I think it's a good thing.

For with him, all the world, here, is a stage. I feel it. The player in question is no longer someone I wish to meet with on a daily basis, for when he returns from the grand stage of life in the outside world, tired of his showy role and needing of quiet, he retreats to his dressing room. And as such, we, the five dressing room roommates (why does he have roommates) must be silent, and if we cannot do so, we must bask in his glory. For it is no moment that this play can stop. It is no moment that this play will stop. The director never shouts "cut", the scriptwriters never rest, the producers never think enough is enough, the cameras roll on and on, the audience watches on for ever and ever, a wrap party is nowhere in sight. And I am tired. So very very tired.
The perpetually low levels have found a new low. I need silence.
Thank you, Lord, for the silence.

Nothing much's happened ever since last week, beyond practical.
It's really irritating how little time I have to regenerate.
I felt the full effects of my lack of regeneration today, when I could no longer work up a decent sweat warming up during fencing, and in its place, I felt... out of breath, more so than usual, but at least I didn't faint.
Only one match today, against Desiree. I won 5-1 with a new technique. (:

*embraces nerdiciousness with great happiness*

Enter The O

Enter The O (a parody of American Pie)
Faith Sim (originally performed by Don McLean)

A long, long, time ago...
I can still remember

How O-levels seemed so far away.

And so I crapped and played and slacked,

Forgetting lost time would never come back.

And maybe maybe study another day.

When it was to come, I got sober.

But that was real late, it was October.

Bad news on the sixteenth;

I'd a bout of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)

I can't remember my formulae and my

Reactivity series.

But something's hurtin' me real deep

The fact, I'm not prepared.

So bye-bye halcyon days goodbye,

Have my textbooks and my flash cards

and all my study guides

And we'll all go home and study thru the night,

'cos we want six points for L1R5.

We need six points for L1R5.

I need to know where's all the love,

I need more faith in God above,

Internalising techniques, I need too.

And do you believe in pig's brain soup?

Chicken essence, things that taste like poop.

And can you teach me how to write argumentatives?

Well I don't know my plane geometry

And on essays I'm still a bit fuzzy

But differentiation's good,

Compo depends on my mood.

I was a happy teenage manga fan

With a Bleach kimono, tempura in the pan,

But I knew I had to place a ban

The day the comp was unplugged.

I started singin',

Bye bye halcyon days goodbye,
Have my textbooks and my flash cards
and all my study guides
And we'll all go home and study thru the night,
'cos we want six points for L1R5.
We need six points for L1R5.

Now for ten years I've been in this system

All the mugging I've done, I really can't list 'em,

But that's not how it used to be.

When we ran around in the local park

As for homework we didn't give a lark

And we had no idea what the heck the O's were.

Oh and while we mug from moon to sun,

Forget our juniors're havin' fun,

We'll finish our ordeal,

When we're done we'll have a meal!

And while we practice our trigonometry,

Remember we're doing this for you and me.

And in twenty-something days we'll all be free

To do whatever we want.

We'll stop singing

Bye-bye halcyon days goodbye,
Have my textbooks and my flash cards
and all my study guides
And we'll all go home and study thru the night,
'cos we want six points for L1R5.
We need six points for L1R5.

Helter skelter in a summer swelter.

We'll run to our books where we'll take shelter,

Eight points high and falling fast.

Will it wind up six, as others have.

We're no longer trying for just a pass,

In history our names will be cast.

We'll try not to make our teachers fume

While in the distance danger looms.

For now we just can't dance,

But in a while we'll get the chance!

For now we need to take the field;

We gotta learn to refuse to yield.

Do you recall what was revealed

The days we were in class?

Now we're still singing

Bye-bye halcyon days goodbye,

Have my textbooks and my flash cards

and all my study guides

And we'll all go home and study thru the night,

'cos we want six points for L1R5.

We need six points for L1R5.

Oh, and there we'll be all in one place,

The Magnificent Class in one space

With no time left to start again.

So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!

Just don't sit on a candlestick

Cause if you get burnt your life might end.

To heck with the fact we have no prom

Just sit at home and learn your LORMS.

When it's over we'll just smile

We'll be free for quite a while.

And as we study long into the night

We need to fight and fight and fight,

We won't let Satan laugh with delight

The day we get our marks

Our juniors' singing

Bye-bye halcyon days goodbye,
Have my textbooks and my flash cards
and all my study guides
And we'll all go home and study thru the night,
'cos we want six points for L1R5.
We need six points for L1R5.

Stop thinkin' about your Monday blues

or worryin' about your new school shoes,

We need to smile when we walk away.

We'll go down to the exam hall.

Where we'll face the music like before,

And after that we'll call it a day.

And in the streets: we'll go and scream,

We'll laugh our laughs, and dream our dreams.

We'll relish our words spoken;

The silence finally broken.

And the things you wanna do the most:

Maybe hold a party, be the host,

To all our juniors we shall boast

The day we finish off.

But for now
Bye-bye halcyon days goodbye,

Have my textbooks and my flash cards

and all my study guides

And we'll all go home and study thru the night,

'cos we want six points for L1R5.

We need six points for L1R5.

(In four weeks!)

It's not us singin'
Bye-bye halcyon days goodbye,

Have my textbooks and my flash cards

and all my study guides

And we'll all go home and study thru the night,

'cos we need six points for L1R5.

The first nightmare

Practical today was horrible.
The preceding practicals were of no joy to me, and this was no different, if not worse.
Today for the first time I experienced the first physical symptom of what I believe is Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.
The Chemistry practical involved two question parts involving heating. I had to burn a splint with a salt on the tip and observe the flame. There was a crackling sound and a white/lilac flame, and I remember a cold sweat forming on my forehead. Then I had to heat the test tube in earnest, and that was when the real problems started.
I started the Bunsen burner.
I looked at the flame.
I held my test tube with the test tube holder.
I held it next to the flame.
I got a headache and put it back on the rack.
I switched off the flame.
After a while I started again.
I held it next to the flame for longer than the previous time.
Water droplets formed on the inside of the test tube.
I couldn't do it.
Then I asked for assistance.
And they said they couldn't help me, though while waiting for confirmation they did help me with it a bit.
And eventually I did it, though both my hands were trembling.
I think I'm screwed for practical.
Oh well, I never did like it anyway.

the smile when you tore me apart.

you took my heart,

deceived me right from the start.
you showed me dreams,
i wished they'd turn into real.
you broke a promise and made me realise,
it was all just a lie..

they aren't lyrics for me, but they were so well written i just had to place this here.
Angels, Within Temptation

The Second Child

Don't read too much into the title. It doesn't show up till late in the post.

Saturday was a serious up-and-down day.
At fencing alone there were three matches, which progressed in this way...

Faith VS. Jie Xi: 5 - 0 (Faith wins)

Faith VS. Desiree: 5 - 3 (Faith wins)

Faith VS. Chloe: 2 -5 (Chloe wins)

Then we went for lunch, where I finished another Half Curry Udon and another plate of chicken floss maki and half a plate of soft shell crab maki and concluded, once again, that the chicken floss maki was much better than the soft shell crab maki. As I had done the past two times I was there, that is, my birthday dinner and a fortnight before that.

I handed my Sharingan (don't read too much into this either, it's a small black pouch with a red Mangekyou Sharingan on it) to Yi Yun.

I went back, had some Biology, and went to sleep.

I got up, and Dad asked me to fix his email server on Outlook, and I couldn't do it, and he blew up. (That was, in the first place, the main reason why I switched to hotmail/Gmail.)

I shall not elaborate further. Elaborating further leads to the pulverisation of my digital camera, as performed three years ago and expressed on my very first blog. (http://pelt-of-naraku.blogspot.com/)

[Dad read this part. He hates it because he thinks I must be the only child in the world who argues with her father. He's seen too many smiling happy kids, I tell you.]

I composed a poem.

When Daddy loses his temper,

his eyes grow very wide.

When Daddy loses his temper,

all I want to do is hide.

He starts getting all dramatic,

talking about his dying day.

I wish something would crop up,

and whisk him far away.

Then he drove off in anger. Which I didn't see because I was hiding in my room, and I'd stuck a note outside saying I was in the microwave.

But my dress came.

And then the setting sun shone again with all its beauty,danke Yi Yun and her mummy.

So I'd like to introduce my second dress, in all its maturity. It's much heavier though, and much darker, so I'm happy to have both my first and second dresses (:
Please, the people who *do* read this blog, do give a warm hand to my second dress, whom I haven't really found a name for yet, but know as Number Two, or as expressed in the title, The Second Child.

And that made it all better for me.

sotsugyou - a memory

last saturday i graduated.
it seemed only yesterday that i stepped in, fresh out from the hellhole which had incarcerated me six years before four years ago.

it seemed only yesterday that i smiled and nodded to my mother and said yes, this is it, this is where i want to go.

it seemed only yesterday, that i heard a cute girl sing to us about her having J-O-Y that was down in her heart, deep deep down in her heart, to entertain us during orientation.

only yesterday, that i directed a lost bespectacled girl to computer lab 3 for auditions, because I was going there myself.

only yesterday, that i showed off the sheer power of my legs, and hence hit the right side of the back of my head on the ground in a massive, high overshoot.

only yesterday, that after that, to my horror, i'd been accepted into the prestigious track and field team thanks to my little stunt, and i saw prisia laughing at me, pointing at me, and running a finger over her neck.

that i'd successfully appealed, and upon being asked why i joined eldds i threw up the rockstar sign and yelled EL ROCKS!

that i met prisia, tereza, and slowly, all the people in the Organisation, and despite our current disunity i loved it muchly.

that i grew to love where i was, perhaps not on my own, but eventually i did.

that my first experiences as a cosplayer and lolita were in this school, and that i... had fangirls.

thank you, fangirls whom i cannot remember all the names of. it was terribly fun being fangirl'd over. ^^

i haven't changed over the past ten years, so i've been told. my friend from preschool says i haven't changed, and neither has my friend from primary school.

or perhaps, i've come full-circle so many times that it doesn't look like i've changed at all.

I look better now. I feel that way, in any case, I don't care if I've become less cute because I've grown taller (how *can* you tell the difference, I've been tall all my life), because I think I look better. Now refer to Rene Descartes' iconic quote. (I think, therefore I am.)

I obsess madly over Japan now, I think it's safe to say the obsession has consumed my life. (In general Faith's obsessions consume her life. She tried to play badminton on Thursday afternoon only to find that every time she wanted to hit the shuttlecock she would do a fencing lunge.)

I've finally found a sport I actually like.

I've started to believe.

I've become a proponent of "blood before tears".

My artistic skills have improved. My style has deviated from the School of Manga into something I feel is as adorable. Something special.

People now think my art is good. 0_0 (And I have given one person my art. I am a happy girl ^^.)

My purpose as of now, I feel, is to pursue that which is beautiful.

I *have* changed. I know I have. But in my change I think I will remain forevermore...

- a slacker.

- a part-time-asshole

- a proponent of camp

- a user of the Law of Probability, among other things.

But ah well.

Last Saturday I braced myself for the worst emotional moment in my sixteen years, because Cedar was a hundred times better than Kong Hwa was, on any day.

And it never came.

But I shall be remembered forevermore as Emergency Tissue Paper Supplier.

Perhaps.

XDDDD

Two full packets, and none of the tissues went to me.

Shafika The Genius was sick. Good cover.

But it didn't get really really really sad for me till Ms Lizah showed us a Powerpoint presentation she made of the class, with pictures from 2007-2008. I thought that was really sweet.

And then I gave in. (But it was in the darkness of the computer lab, and for a brief three seconds or so, so no one saw. And no one really reads this so I kind of got away with it XDDDD)

It felt good, though, in some obscure pain-is-pleasure-and-pleasure-is-pain sort of way.

So yes. I'm out. I'm officially on my way to becoming an old fuddy duddy, not that I wasn't one before graduating, or any other time thereof, because there'll always be people younger than me ^^.