Breaking Off - The Last Obligations

Just walk away, oh and don’t look back
‘cause if my heart breaks it’s gonna hurt so bad.
You know I’m strong but I can’t take that
Before it’s too late
Oh, just walk away.

- Walk Away, Vanessa Anne Hudgens, High School Musical 3

Last service, last CG, last class gathering, last fencing lesson. The "last"s just keep going on. I want them to stop, and even with my new toys*, I really don't want the things to end.

But they will. I hate that it's this way, but it is.

Apologies, Ciel*, that I should be ranting like this the second day you're here, but I'm seriously torn between missing this place and hoping for a new world.

Mdm Er told my mother that I'd probably make my mother angry every day if I went to a JC, and though I think she's right, there's something about this place that I'll miss.

I don't feel too good at the moment, and I can't put my finger on it. I feel my sense of individuality being slowly, gently, but painfully, eroded away. I don't feel good being "one of the crowd", and I feel horrible being "just another person". I don't like it when I know that many people are alongside me in some battle or another, and I hate it if I have any proper competitors, or people who've claimed to have something over me which I really want.

I guess I'm just envious.

Envy (also called invidiousness) may be defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another’s [perceived] superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it." It can also derive from a sense of low self-esteem that results from an upward social comparison threatening a person's self image: another person has something that the envier considers to be important to have. If the other person is perceived to be similar to the envier, the aroused envy will be particularly intense, because it signals to the envier that it just as well could have been him or her who had the desired object.
Bertrand Russell said envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness. It is a universal and most unfortunate aspect of human nature because not only is the envious person rendered unhappy by his envy, but also wishes to inflict misfortune on others. Although envy is generally seen as something negative, Russell also believed that envy was a driving force behind the movement towards democracy and must be endured in order to achieve a more just social system.

- Wikipedia

I'm happy, Person X, that you have hopes, dreams, and desires.

I'm not happy that the hopes, dreams, and desires you have, are the ones I cling on to, and that I haven't let go of.

I don't like that I'm next to obligated to let go of some of them so you can have leeway to do whatever you want.

I hate that I'm slowly transforming into a doormat for your sake.

That is all.

* Ciel is my Intuos 3, and my new toy. Originally his name was to be either Adolf, Francis Ferdinand, or Nikita, but I put my foot down after Ciel was objected to for reasons I could not accept.